It's weird. I'm always thinking about how much it hurts to know that I can't have him, but that's only when he's not around. He shows up and...I forget.
I forget that I'm supposed to keep my guard up; I really don't want to fall.
I forget that I'm NEVER going to get the chance to be with him, trust me, it can't happen.
I don't want to need you, 'cause I can't have you.
Then he leaves and I remember again. And I continue to pretend.
I pretend I'm okay when he's asks me if I am.
I pretend that he's not on my mind when he asks what I'm thinking about.
I try to ignore the fact that he confuses me beyond belief. It's as if I know he's asking for something, but he also knows...there's never going to be a ME AND HIM TOGETHER. Just a ME, and just a HIM.
I wonder if he thinks about the possibility of an us.
I wonder if he ever thinks it should have been me, not her.
I know I shouldn't think about him.
I know I won't be able to not think about him.
Everyday I pretend. Hell, I even lie to myself. I pretend that I understand that I will never need him, because if we were truly meant to be, things would work out.
I pretend that I believe that he's not the one that will rescue me from my dreams, and that one day I will find someone who is just perfect and won't hurt me.
It's hard though.
But I pretend.
